Take off the shoes!

It has been a long time friends and I am sorry... but not really I guess :)

I have had a lot of fun times this month,but nothing so riveting I will have you falling out of your chair in laughter. Yes, that is my expectation now!

Instead, this month has mostly been a true ride on my heart. I find myself so emotional I think I should buy stock in kleenex. Now, for those of you who know me well and maybe even those who don't, this is no surprise. I feel everything deeply. I used to not like that about myself, but this month the Lord has really shown me the beauty in it. He has created me to love and to cry. To laugh and to scream. He has shown his grace and love through my fragile heart, and I am starting to love that characteristic of him. Although it is hard for me to explain and be clear about what, and better yet why, I am feeling the way I am, I am learning to rest in the fact that I am not a hard person who bottles everything up. I long for the day when there is no more pain and our tears are bottled up. When there is so much joy because we are finally in the kingdom worshiping God, but for now I choose to focus on the beauty that comes with emotion.

As I was talking to a dear friend this week she asked me if I was grieving. Now, only ever hearing that word used for dead people I was a little confused. No one in my family or close to me has died recently (and I hope none die soon) so confused I asked her what she meant. As we talked and worked through a lot of crap I realized she was right. I am grieving, I am grieving for a life I think I should have. I am grieving for relationships that will never be the same. I am grieving the fears that control my everyday and also life altering decisions. I am grieving for this perfect person I have told myself I have to be. I am grieving because of doubts and that pesky selective hearing that only allows me to hear the extremely mean things people I love have told me this week. I am grieving that sometimes the people I think know me the best aren't really hearing what I am telling them. It sucks. It's hard. It is something we all go through, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I am recognizing and grieving this mold that has been created from comparison and lies. It is painful because I can not fit in it, but I keep trying. It's like the models that have to wear the tiny shoes because that is the expectation (yes, I watch way to much top model). If you want to make it as a model you have to wear the painful shoes because there is only one size. You have to starve yourself to meet other peoples expectations. You have to be someone you are not to reach your "dreams". And the best part is that you can't complain because you have not earned the status yet. They will kick you off the set. It is awful. And unfortunately it's like that in the church sometimes too. We put unrealistic expectations on each other, we are mean and cruel and we judge. We forget that we are enough. We forget we can walk without painful shoes. We forget that we need to love one another because we are all so desperate for it. We forget that sticks and stones may break our bones, but words can and do cut so much deeper into our souls.

Grieving is not bad, but something to celebrate! I may change my mind tomorrow but for now as I sit in my cozy bed feeling safe I am choosing to celebrate.

I am reminded of all of those cliché funeral sayings about life being a party and no one should wear black at my funeral, only remember the good things... ( you get the point). As tired as we get of hearing these things, I think they hold a lot of truth. We cannot spend our lives grieving, but we need to take time to heal and then start celebrating! The taking the time to heal is the hard part. The crucial part. Taking the time to really feel the pain people cause us. It is hard and I have been avoiding it for years thinking I should "be over" this by now but that is not the case. We all have different "shoes" that are hurting us. We don't want to take them off because we have trained ourselves to deal with the pain, to "rub some dirt in it" but we don't have too. There is someone who wants us to be comforted and loved, to take off those damn shoes that are slowing us down and making us cranky!

Take your shoes off and run with me friends! The road will still be rocky and painful but at least we can run!

Happy Sunday :)

Sara